Being at War With Self and Searching for Strength

Nobody can save you but yourself and you’re worth saving. It’s a war not easily won but if anything is worth winning then this is it – Charles Bukowski

My alarm raised its voice at 7:15 A.M. Six hours ago, I sat on the edge of my bed questioning God’s intent for me. With little-to-no intentions for continuing on, I couldn’t fathom embracing the awaiting hours.  

It’s increasingly harder — finding new mantras — to conquer monsters. We often feel defeated by demons who deplete our meaning. Another day, another rat race filled with despised habits and continuous patterns of unwanted tasks, mixed in a bottle of an unwanted living; existing is tiring and the desire to drink from the well brings a more painful, miserable outlook. Gratitude is replaced by an attitude — full of hypothesis and no conclusions — life’s variables alter, regularly.

“Make sure your own worst enemy doesn’t live between your own two ears” — Bryan E. Robinson

I gaze through my car’s passenger seat side-view mirror. “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.” The enemy is near, and if I roll down my tinted windows, I’ll see his reflection. I can complain about all of the external troubles of the world all day long, but I still have to sleep with the enemy — every night.

The war persists through the playing of 29-year-old, Shady Records-signee, Boogie’s Everythings For Sale album. “Tired/Reflections,” the intro to the Compton, CA artist’s album, takes a tough look at one’s disposition in life.

“I’m the one in front of the gun and the one behind the trigger / I been hidin’ from my truths, they will never find a ni**a / If they ever find a ni**a, I identify the killer / I’ma be the only witness, it’s that pussy in the mirror.” – Boogie “Tired/Reflections”

In an interview with Mark Elibert of Billboard, Boogie describes the process of self-reflection in the midst of self-destruction.

“I just want people to understand that you need to really reflect on yourself and really take that time to sit with yourself and understand what’s wrong and acknowledge it,” Boogie stated,” adding “you’ll grow from it.”

Sitting with my thoughts forces the ladder of issues to climb. The process isn’t pretty and it breaks me down. The more I learn myself, the better I can maneuver, eventually. Everyone has periods of idle time, where life doesn’t go as planned, and acceptance must — well should — follow. The journey of a 20-something trying to figure it all out; where’s the light in a blackout?

“I’m tired of working at myself, I wanna be perfect already,” Boogie shares during the opening of the intro. Betterment doesn’t happen overnight, and patience falls short, at times, when you’re on your last nerve. The beauty of Boogie’s intro (and entire album), is lack of solutions. Boogie expresses his issues but doesn’t go through the process of figuring it anything out; he leaves us with identifying our internal conflict.

My reflection equals fear, confusion and a lack of harmonious tones — penetrating my life experience — leaving room for error and not enough will power. I fear not being able to survive the war, some days. Other days find me confident and I know there’s a way out, but there’s no map. When everything is for sale, what do you keep?

The plight needs a pillar — sometimes — to help pull back the layers of damage. Just as Boogie raps “They like ‘ni**a, we tired of hearin you poor — out your heart about how you in the struggle and how you at war — 
with yourself and how you not confident and you insecure.”

It’s hard to cope. I stay to myself. I write it out and occasionally, I attend therapy to thoroughly go through my imbalances. Nothing is fully solved, but I navigate through life much easier now. My therapist is my most reasonable pillar, but, sometimes, writing gets the job done. To some degree, like Boogie, there’s an addiction to pain, and there’s a point of adjusting to what you feel — habitual in a sense — pain that’s a part of our life process. But it’s tiring, yet, there’s resilience to found in each journey.

The never ending narrative of self-exploitation finds no rest, for even in avoidance, there’s no acceptance of a white flag; it’s an inevitable call to action toward one’s self, rather than against.

Strapping on combat boots to combat trauma, suffering and pain. The sun soon rises as the darkness retreats.