Sustaining creative work requires respecting yourself, honoring your life, and the humility and faith to keep going despite the ambiguity of creative work and the lack of guarantees regarding either artistic outcome or recognition.” — Jennifer Haupt

Lack of focus and tons of commotion — not being able to tune any of the internal and external volume out — the noise always invited itself in.

I want to feel as good as others feel about my work, but how? If I don’t feel good about my work, in return, I feel like others don’t like my words neither. But, this is not true. Yet, this matters and creates a detriment between my mental health and my output — the output that gives me freedom — which I’ve taken away from myself due to the worth I value myself under. History repeats itself, lessons get taught but never brimful, unless you’re constantly filling your glass, and some of grow tired of these lessons and occurrences in life.

There are levels stacking up against the “odds” and the building doesn’t even out, so how could I get my esteem to equate to high stature? Well, I could stop stacking it against the masses that have “surpassed” me, deal with the anxiety that ran pass me and the worry that comes from someone taking what’s “mine.”

Odds, surpassed, and mine: all three words have something in common. All three words live in my head as irrational diction and dictate my next move — a clear depiction of my thoughts and mood.

Hold up… girlfriend texted me: “You’re so great and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes for just ONE SECOND.” Some days I wake up and I know I have “it” and other days I don’t. Today, March 19, 2018, I don’t have it. Worth is down, but felt worth it to get these words down.

IMPORTANT

I would rid the feeling of low self-esteem by inflating my ego. Ego and self-esteem are not to get mixed up. Both travel a similar route, yet, one goes above what most recommend.

Self-esteem is knowing and being confident in your worth as a person. Self-esteem is respecting yourself enough to set and standby your own boundaries. Ego (in this context) is having an inflated sense of self. Viewing others as less worthy of respect than yourself.”

With an inflated ego, you avoid acceptance of what is and you go towards what could be — all without understanding the now. There’s a reason I don’t feel good about myself today. Why avoid it? Just for temporary relief and no true sustained growth? I’m good. That in itself requires wisdom and being wise enough to constantly seek growth. I’m not here to avoid or take short cuts. This is the full thrill of life: the sun and the rain, the joy and the pain.

The light in your bulb bulges with supreme ideas. I see too many cover up their fears with Supreme. That Gucci can’t hide your fear, and it’ll always be near — I pray for your self-esteem. “Many people worry whether there is life after death. Just think about it: If we gave up self-evaluation, we could have more life before death.” — Ellen J. Langer

How I think about myself— it matters— more than what others thought about me. The root that seeds foundation through times of glory and times of worry; constant maintenance.