I don’t know why we here, since we gotta be here,
Life is but a beach chair — Jay Z “Beach Chair” (2006)

Absent Through Presence

As I sit in the conference room of my job, I become mindful — of what it is I am doing—outside and inside the circumference of my thoughts, precisely. First question: am I helping others or am I helping myself? This became the first question when I begin realizing what my spirit whole. Well, hello ego, I can’t give you up fully. I find a mixture of both. You can not help others without helping yourself. However, I did relinquish my ego enough, to the point where I rarely get any self-satisfaction without helping bring satisfaction out of others. I found this to be more true as I helped a client of mine get adjusted at his new place of work. If he wins, I win too.

I wanted to find that which is endless, instead of that which can end. To be precise, making moments instead of money made more sense. The irony is that I’m making more money than I’ve ever made, even with these sentiments. When you’re struggling to make ends meet — to ensure you don’t meet your end— turmoil runs its course to disrupt foundation that isn’t solidified.

Replenishment of the ego. One day, may we drain it of its energy.

(Disclaimer: this is just what has worked for me and how I choose to live.)

I reached a point where I yearned for mantras instead of mansions — words to live by instead of luxury places to die in. Don’t get me wrong, I like nice things, but I will do my best not to sacrifice the present moment and clutter it with exhausting actions that fuel a future that doesn’t exist; for only the present moment is real. Everything “else” is imaginative—neither here nor there. This is my way of slowing down life, instead of speeding up assumed occurrences.

I know too many people who live lives by a template — handed down by their parents — now caught up in a system. There’s also (at times) a lack of being open-minded. I was killed for not going to college. I find it interesting that a vast majority of people couldn’t tell me why I should attend college, full-time. Well, they did, sort of. See their reasons stemmed from what worked for them. Old news flash: not everything that works for you, works for everyone else and vice versa. Also, what worked once before, may not work the next time.

It’s easy to say “too blessed to be stressed.” It’s another to embody those words. As of late, I haven’t felt any true stress. Everything has been everything. Yet I still question it all. Since I’m here, why stress? Why be happy? Why work?

The “why” kicked in heavy after high school. Why go to college? Why not go to college? I had to have reasons for doing something or not doing something. I’m figuring it all out as I live life. I’m where I’m supposed to be. Wherever life takes me, that’s where I belong.

“This is why we shouldn’t be afraid. “There are two possibilities,” Hov said in a statement to Genius. “One is that there’s more to life than just the physical life, that our souls ‘will find an even higher place to dwell’ when life is over. The other possibility is that this life is all there is. And if that’s true, we have to really live it — we have to take it for everything it has and “die enormous” instead of “living dormant” like I said on “Can I Live.” Either way, fear is a waste of time.

I’d rather not spend time fearing the inevitable. That time should be spent doing something meaningful and that adds value. However, being present with time is no overnight success story. Mindfulness has taken me over a year to get to a point of satisfaction. I still want to go further with being mindful, but I acknowledge my progress. I get it: there’s fear of the unknown. The “unknown” causes pain and turmoil. It’s unknown for a reason. I, no longer want to waste time trying to figure it out, when I could be districting that energy elsewhere. This too will take time to fully grasp; the game of patience.

As my alarm goes off every morning — Monday-Friday, yes I am working my 9–5 job, but it’s by choice and I’m doing a job that helps others. This is where my happiness comes from. I’m ridding the negative stigma that trails behind having a full-time job. Everything is objective. Thoughts over any circumstance.

Facing the inevitable — for some, it will have them strengthening their faith. One of Jay-Z’s fears was life. Jay’s fear of life was the thought of karma catching up to his daughters. We all have our different reasons.

My faith was diminishing while the devil kept replenishing the well. I thought it was a drought. Restrengthen my beliefs and that alone is a relief for a brighter day or a day that may not happen — here — on earth.

My sense of awareness has heightened. I tend to question it all: happiness, sadness, greed, hate, love, lust, religion, politics—flooding my mind with anxiety on why any of it exists. The foundation breaks and everything feels new, now. I anticipated what this year would teach me. Still wrapped up in the lesson, I continue to go through it, in order to grow through it.