Sunday, 2:05 A.M. 1/29/17.
My mind is riddled with thoughts, doubt, and anxiety that I’ve learned to no longer be accustomed to. I crave embracement and learning my negative patterns more, for they aren’t as visible as a stain on a white shirt, but they still subsist. There’s a deficiency of confidence that blemshes my apparel. To accompany the stain, there’s a tear drop that has become defined through low self-esteem.
Whenever that low arrives, I know there are options to realign my spine: talk to a friend, get God on the phone, dopamines, alcohol, music. When it is music, one of my favorite tracks to listen to is Kanye West’s “Amazing.” Not simply the standard album version, it has to be his VH1 Storytellers performance. I enjoy “Amazing” live more than the album version. Despite the lack of Jeezy, Ye’s monologues/soliloquies–rather than an explanation of the song– served well and arrived in good spirits.
I always struggled with low self-esteem. I criticize myself more than I need to–for things that do not deserve to be criticized. Often times, I would allow another person to dictate how I feel; they don’t deserve to dictate my feelings. Internal foundation is vital for survival. I’ll stress that until I’m six-feet deep. I’ll practice that until I can no longer preach. When you strengthen the core of your internal well being, it’s not easy for outside forces to infiltrate and cause havoc.
“And this song was kind of like that moment where, someone tells you ‘you ain’t shit-you ain’t shit, you gotta say I AM shit. ‘Cause you can’t take that from me, my self-esteem,” Kanye said.
It was in those moments that reminded me to protect my internal core–build a fortress and protect it with militant intent.
Applying pressure and practice to the overall goodness of “self” is vital in this lifetime and beyond. Think “self” before “other.” I’m not saying to be selfish, but there’s nothing you can offer without taking care of yourself first.
“Convicted with no jury”
Conviction of the mind is dangerous. Although Kanye was speaking from the standpoint of being in a relationship and a spouse who pretty much is putting you on trial, what trials do you face today that you have placed upon yourself? I’ve put myself in a lot of positions that I do not have anyone but myself to pin fault for. My arms shudder and my heart palpitates from anxiety as these words touch my document. I allowed certain energy to enter, but my subconscious condemns thee. It happens, I am not perfect and I do not wish to live in such a barricaded manner that I am not open to new energy. However, it is up to me: do I keep the energy around or do I purge it out?
I locate myself in the worst form that I’ve reached
this year. I do not shy away from telling you, the reader. However, with all things considered, I can’t allow my self-esteem to be taken away. Reassurance by others is fine and dandy, but do I believe in my own hype?! Has it been surmised? I have to look in the mirror and say “I am shit” and reaffirm myself of who I am; reminders serve well–something that Kanye taught me through his live performance of “Amazing.” Never let them take that from you.
I propose a toast: may your dignity never dig into oceans of enemy territory. Let your story be the glory no matter the treacherous waters that face you. Allow your soul to remain calm and know your worth outside of other praises or doubt.
No matter what clout amounts from your endeavors, stay clever and aware, for you must practice your internal measures to rule out the slightest inch of infiltrated warfare. Be gentle when high tide arrives and know that you’ve prepared for such heights. As the heights of esteem lower, stand tall and firm by your faith of knowing the root cause; figure it out and conquer the evil, it’ll soon be over–your shoulder you throw it as your heroic acts have acted in self-defense to protect you. Boast about the regnant times and disperse from their segmented minds–limiting your full growth. They’ll never lower your hype.